Going through a trying time in your personal life can leave you a little lost. It's done just that for me. A should-be-forever relationship pretty much fell apart and all I could do on a day to day basis was try to be strong, try not to fall apart, try not to let it get the best of me. It took some time but I was successful at that. I was able to (and still continue to) rise above the ashes, the shame, without bitterness and with the courage that I will need going forward. But I left something behind in that mess, myself. I lost some parts of me that I could do without but I also lost the knowledge and rhythm that I had developed with myself - if that makes sense.
I forgot myself.
I forgot what excited me, what I enjoyed doing, what made me laugh all crazy. I forgot what I liked to eat, most weeks I just made some kind of stir fry and rice. I forgot that I liked porridge, and peppersoup and egg white omelets. I forgot to get facials and massages. I forgot to keep in touch with my friends. I forgot efficient ways I did my job, some days I damn near forgot how to do my job. I forgot to blog and write, as an outlet, as free therapy. I forgot that I liked sleeping to my soft pop playlist on the lowest volume. I forgot chai latte and croissant Saturdays. I forgot brunching, I forgot to laugh, I forgot my faith.
Just like that. I picked survival over myself. That was okay at the time, it was necessary, but not anymore. I'm ready to be me again. Today I had macaroons and perrier after lunch from my favorite cafe, spoke with an old friend for two hours (!!), and did an at-home face mask. Here I am, writing and sharing my thoughts...
And just like that, with baby steps, i'm finding myself. I love that i'm strong and resilient. I love that i'm a survivor, but I just want to go back to being me.