Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Purpose and Happiness

I've always heard people say, "live for yourself!" and "the only person that matters is you!" but how many people really live that way? How many people wake up everyday and make decisions with their happiness in mind? How many people have the courage to walk away from crippling situations without considering what people will say? How many people's insecurities stem from worry about how people perceive them, their looks, their actions, their decisions, their conditions, their status?

I think it's easier said than done. 

Sometimes 'people' are friends and acquaintances that can easily be dismissed. But what if they are the people that you love, respect, feel indebted to, crave their approval? Then what? Then we sacrifice, and compromise, and compensate, and reorganize, and and and... Until there's nothing left. Until your very life's worth is dependent on other people's perception of you.

That's not a good life to live.

That's the life I've been living.

I don't seek to harm people or be careless in my decision-making but ultimately my life is mine. My life belongs to me. Living for myself will have to be intentional and on purpose, it doesn't come to me naturally. I've made decisions to make other people happy, and when those decisions backfired and the same people expressed their disappointment at my failure, I've made quick decisions and adjustments just to please them, without taking the time to nurse myself. Sounds insane right?

But here's the kicker. You can never please people.

So would I rather displease you and be happy and live for me? Or displease you by trying to please you and failing, and in the process make myself unhappy? This is a simple one.

If I live intentionally for myself and I fail, at least I'll know I tried. I'll cherish the experiences and journey, and hold on to my lessons.

Last night, for the first time in my life, I decided to live for myself. I will continue to love, cherish and honor my loved ones, but I have taken possession of my life. I will love myself, be accountable to myself, push myself to grow, respect myself, ask people to respect my privacy, only seek my approval, and continue to make myself happy.

There are so many things in the journey of life that will come your way to discourage you, take you off track, steal your joy, question you and judge you, I've decided to be kind to myself.

Enough.

xx

Busybee

Monday, August 22, 2016

Her Story I

She was 15 years, slightly rebellious and ready for love. Armed with the knowledge she had gained from reading several romance novels and watching Sex and the City, she was anxious to feel a deep connection with her Prince Charming.

He was neither charming nor was he a Prince, but he was at least a friend from middle school. He had relocated to London a year ago but they kept in touch through late night chats on msn messenger and sent emails back and forth. They would talk about playing house and doing all these adult things, it was all so romantic.

She landed in Heathrow knowing that this would be the summer to remember. The very next day they had plans to meet up. She lied to her uncle about a sleepover at a female friend's house and he Was fine with it. They planned to meet up at the train station around 8 and head to his flat. His mother, a single mother, was a nurse that worked nights and so they would have the flat to themselves. 

It was a rainy day in London. She set out mid-afternoon and headed to Oxford Circus to window shop and pass time. They met around 8 as planned and exchanged awkward hugs. They walked the long walk from Elephant and Castle to his flat in silence, holding hands. It was a modest, dimly lit one bedroom flat and the living room was his bedroom. His bed was a sleeper sofa, he had a desktop on the table and he didn't have much in the way of clothes. They shyly hugged and his lips found hers. She was overtaken by a need she couldn't explain, clothes came off. He fondled her breasts awkwardly and moved his hand lower and lower, until he touched her core. She moaned in delight and wiggled against his fingers which were gliding in and out of where that intense need was coming from, trying to find some satisfaction. He abruptly stopped and said he had to find a condom. She had a few seconds to think and ask herself if this was it, did she want this. He saw the doubt flash across her face when he returned and asked if she wanted him to stop. She was too far gone, and the need was far too intense for her to stop. She kissed him and pulled him to lay on top of her. He slowly pushed himself inside her and there was resistance and a moderate amount of pain. In and out, in and out. It was mercifully short, he finished quickly and lay on top of her. 

Did you like it?

"Yes", she lied. She didn't have to ask him, she knew he got his pleasure, he met his need.

The next morning she took a shower and flinched as the water made its way down to her core. He walked her to the train station and hugged her tight. So many feelings and thoughts went through her head as she sat on the tube. Would she fall in love with him? Would he tell anyone? She waited to feel regret or love or fulfillment but instead the nagging feeling she had was of deep dissatisfaction...

xx

Busybee

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Perspective

It's so easy to feel like every single thing is going wrong when, in reality, it's a handful of things. I'm a little emotionally tense today so here goes the list of things I'm particularly not happy with:

1. Computer Issues: I work with a highly specialized and very difficult computer software, and mastering it has opened many many doors for me. However, it's still a buggy software that almost ALWAYS has one issue or the other. I spent last Saturday catching up on the work that I couldn't do due to last week's computer issues, only to end up with some more software issues this week. Ugh!

2. Birthday Plans: I love my birthday and I love to travel but I'm single - and a lot of my friends are not. I had high hopes of heading to Vegas for my birthday with a few of my girls but they have other financial commitments - understandable. I'm now stuck between traveling alone or going nowhere and buying yet another thousand dollar bag with nowhere to carry it to. The whole thing is twisted.

3. Single-as-a-dollar-bill-ness: I'm mostly comfortable in my own skin and with being alone but there are some times where it sucks. See number 2.

4. Expectations: I have told myself not to expect anything from a certain someone but my subconscious is playing games with me. Very annoying.

Looking back at this list, all I have to say is thank God because I have a lot of reasons to be thankful and nothing on here is permanent. I just have to work on lifting my mood.

Steady hoping for the best,

xx

Busybee

Monday, August 1, 2016

Saturday, July 9, 2016

It's Okay

I say it's okay, and really, it is. I'm okay 90% of the time, but then there's the other 10%. The self-doubt starts to creep in. Along with it comes the anger, hurt, shame, pain, sense of loss, more anger, more shame, self-pity, and the list goes on...

Truth is, I've had a monster of a year. I need time to get over it, to rediscover myself and find my happiness. I need to figure out where to go from here. I don't know where things will end up for me, I'm not even sure I know what I want or need. And that's okay...

It would be so easy to lose myself in the next whirlwind, to trade my hurt for excitement. This time though, I want to heal properly, reassess my life, acknowledge my feelings and be sure that I'm not leaving myself broken for too long. 

Being kind to myself,

Busybee

Monday, July 4, 2016

Smiles...

The best ones all week. Reminding me of a time when I was innocent, carefree and deliriously happy. Glad to see that side of me again. Sunshine and laughter, light jokes and flirting. No expectations, no pressure, just one day at a time. 

Free to fly,

Busybee

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Busy Bee

It's been a busy couple of weeks. I moved jobs (yay!) and I get to work from home some of the time (double yay!), so of course I had to set up my home office. Armed with $500, I set out to BestBuy and Office Depot, bright and early, to buy an ergonomic chair, a monitor, a printer/scanner, wireless keypad and mouse and all the necessary adapters. I made it out with everything for about $560, and the rest they say is history! I had an old desk that I re-purposed and now I'm the proud owner of a full functioning home office and I've never felt more like an adult (I didn't even feel this accomplished when I bought a house - weird huh?). I don't have to run to FedEx to scan documents anymore! Now that I have a dedicated space to work and zen out, i'm sure more I'll get more writing done.

Lately I've been thinking about control. In a way, and as a woman, I feel like some parts of my life can be out of control. There are so many things that are out of my hands; I don't get to decide when it rains and floods, I don't get to decide if I get painful periods or not, I don't get to decide if my next boyfriend will turn out to be the one or not, I can go on and on. And there are some things I can control; what kind of employee do I want to be at work, my legacy, my field of study, how I treat people, etc. It occurred to me that what determines my quality of life is how well I do with the things that I can control, and my attitude to those that I can not control. For every situation I've found myself in recent times that was truly beyond my control, i'm learning to control my attitude, response and outlook instead, and I'm so much happier for it. It's okay to admit that I can't control everything, some things will inadvertently happen, some experiences will be difficult, but I'm a winner regardless because there's always a lesson to learn, and i'm wiser for it.

Lack of control of a situation does not mean my life is out of control. Off to make a cup of green tea.

xx

Busybee